I’m not sure if I’ve been so aware of consciously being at a cross-roads in my life. The vice grip in my chest is getting tighter and tighter tonight. It’s not just east coast v west coast. It’s not just job v no job. There’s something greater at stake now and I only have the vaguest intuition of what it is. I’ve been delaying becoming an adult for so long now that it just feels natural to prolong it a little longer. How do you know if you’re on the path you’re supposed to be on? How does anyone know?
I fear that I left my bliss in the dust somewhere behind me … somewhere between childhood and 100k. I miss that little dude that ate bliss for breakfast every morning. Of course, maybe I’m just projecting onto my childhood so much that I find lacking in my own life today. I often wonder what that little kid would think of me now. Would he recognize me? I wonder if I could recognize him?
I’m in New York tonight facing some of my biggest fears and I didn’t even know it until I laid down tonight to go to sleep. Life will go on no matter what happens here, but it will be really different.
I want so much to live a normal life. However, each time I have the opportunity to give it a go, I pass. Adler used to ask his patients what they would do if they didn’t have the problem that they’d come to see him about. What would I do if I could take a full time job, buy a house, get married, and settle down? No, that’s too intellectual. What if I could engage fully in the rat race. My current lifestyle allows me to deny that I need it, money or the job. Deep down I believe that I should be paid just for existing and doing the stuff that I do everyday. How does that relate to my relationships? I deny that I need love. I deny that I need anything other than friends. So, I’m in serious denial. But, why would I deny that I need money? I don’t want anyone or anything to have control over me.
But, like any addiction, the amazing irony is that it colors every facet of my life. It’s everywhere I look. To admit that I need money or a normal job would mean that my life is over and that I’m beginning the process of dying. I’m now just like everyone else and all of those childhood dreams of changing the world and being someone spectacular have to be confronted. I’m actually just an average person, living an average life, and I will die and average death. Nothing special about Matthew. His epitaph read, “Life’s a bitch and then you die.” How common he was – even his epitaph was a quote from a bumper sticker. I’m not sure this is the kind of void that can ever be filled though.
I have a sense that many people feel that same way I do. They want to matter, to make a difference. I’m not sure who’s talking to me though. Is it ego, craving attention from other people, wanting to be famous? Or is it Self, telling me that I’m off the map and need a major course correction. How the hell can anyone even tell? How do I deal with looking at myself in the mirror and saying that I’m just like everyone else, I’m just an average Joe. I want to be so much more but it seems as though I take steps to ensure that I remain an average Joe. What would I do that? Back to Adler … What would I do if I realized I was just average? I can’t help recalling the original meaning of the word vulgar is “common.” Things and people that are common are vulgar, repulsive. If I had all of those things, I would be happy and at peace with myself. So, why would I want to have worries? What if I didn’t? Then, I could do anything I wanted … and I would have no excuse not to become that amazing person that the little dude wanted me to be.
“Life is what happens when you’re making other plans.” – John Lennon